How to Ask for Help
“Mom, can you help me?” the little girl asked as she tried to drag the kids kayak from the top of the beach and into the water. “Hey Dad, I need help with this sand castle.”
As I basked in the Bermuda sun reading the first installment of the Slow Horses Series, I found myself eavesdropping on these children’s calls for help. My ex-boyfriend’s family used to say Fennec Fox to signal that a conversation was worthy of eavesdropping and we should cease conversation to listen. If you’re curious how they landed on Fennec Fox, Google image this animal.
These beach children articulating their need for help with such ease was almost inspiring. Each child was trying to accomplish something that they could not accomplish alone. In order to achieve what they set out to do, they required assistance and to get that assistance they simply asked for help. Each child identified a gap and requested action to fill that gap. Problem identified. Problem solved.
As grownups, we all know how to ask for help. And we all ask for help regularly, maybe even daily. Asking for help is a little bit easier though when you have people physically nearby to provide that help. You may ask your partner to pitch in on the laundry your folding. You may ask your desk mate to read over an email before you send it. You may even ask a stranger on a plane to help you get your bag down. With people around you, you see extra hands, brains, and strength, all of which might help you accomplish what you need to accomplish, just like the kids on the beach.
What happens when you need help but you are working from home with only a basket of laundry and a meowing cat by your side? You can send someone a message, but who will you send the message to? You can’t see who is heads down on a project or who is shooting the breeze in the pantry. And once the message is sent, how soon will they reply? The in-person exchange of “Hey do you have a sec?” and “Sure just give me 5 minutes” turns into a message you send out into the ether with no guarantee of an instant or even any reply. And if you really need help, you may have to send multiple messages just to get one person to reply. Or what about when you need help but you are alone, because you live alone or are traveling alone? You can’t zip up that dress without an extra hand. You can’t dust the top of the fridge without getting a ladder which you nervous to stand on without a spotter. You can’t put your ski back on, but nobody else is skiing down that run.
So when we need help, how do we get that help?
First, assemble your squad. If it helps, make your own version of the yellow pages. Keep track of who can do what. Next time your friend says she is great at makeup or your colleague says she is an Excel wizard, take note. You know who to text when you are getting ready for a wedding or trying to separate all of your data it into two columns.
Next, be intentional about what you need help with and who can help you. If you’re drowning at work and you tell your boss you need help, what do you need help with exactly? Do you need help with a specific project, with managing your busy calendar, or with hiring for a new job? When you can clearly state what you need help with, you increase the chances that people will be more responsive to helping you because they understand your expectations. Imagine you are moving and you feel overwhelmed so you just tell everyone you know that you need help. That’s not specific enough! If you say you need help packing or painting, or setting up your devices, your friend who loves to pack (Megan), or paint (Bobby), or set up your devices (Sung) will offer to help.
Lastly, try to anticipate when you might need help and get ahead of the situation by planning in advance or preventing the situation altogether. I got slammed with a project one January that required a lot of time to complete, but didn’t actually require a lot of brain power. I had to find the addresses of 100+ fitness studios so I could send gifts to their instructors who won awards. I made a note to hire a college student to do the work the next year for a small fee. One step better would be to commit to digitized gifts instead, to avoid the research altogether. So next time you try on a bracelet you can’t put on without extra hands, don’t buy it. If you know you’ll need help, decide if it is worth it to get that help or easier to avoid it.
Help is everywhere, but admitting you need help, finding that help, and being willing to ask for help is not so simple. The children on the beach remind us that asking can be instinctive and even fearless. As adults, the stakes feel higher and the logistics feel more complicated. But help doesn’t have to be a last resort; it can be a tool we plan for, structure around, and lean on with intention. Whether it’s assembling a go-to squad, being specific in your ask, or planning ahead to sidestep overwhelm, the key is recognizing that you don’t have to do it all alone. Asking for help isn’t a weakness—it’s how things get built, problems get solved, and sandcastles get finished.
